I write, blog, ramble... whatever you want to call it because this is an outlet I know how to use. As the world changes, I can feel myself falling behind in some ways. I still have Facebook and Instagram but I never got on the Tic Toc train and more than once in the last two months I've had moments shaking my head at the learning curve of trying to start over in a world where we live on our notebooks (not the spiral bound kind I love), phones and laptops. And I have to think... it wasn't that long ago I couldn't believe it was taking me so long to show my grandparents how to use a DVD player.
So this is almost 40 in 2023.
I knew coming into this year that I was going to start making some big, uncomfortable decisions. When we find ourselves in a routine, we feel safe. We have the moment figured out. The bills are on schedule to be paid, the fridge is sufficiently stocked, we like the shoes on our feet and the car has a clean bill of health. I have to admit that I never thought I'd make it to 40. It is very surreal to me, and yet here I am. There are moments sitting in my "new to me" vehicle (I actually traded in my Beetle for a 2013 Equinox... and yes, signing the paperwork was the scariest thing I've ever done), where I think someone is going to knock on the window and say... No, no. This is too nice for you. You don't deserve this level, here's your Beetle back and good luck, the engine's going to blow up any second now.
That is my secondhand thinking. Believing I am only good enough for hand-me-downs when I really want the new Michael Kors bag or walking into the Pandora store and feeling like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. This self-doubt business is a tricky one and can only be conquered by the individual. It truly takes a village of support but at the end of the day, YOU have to believe that you are worth the diamond over cubic zirconia. You have to be ready to take on the responsibility that comes with a level up. Instead of giving all your money to Amazon, you tuck that away and spend it on a trip. You gain the experience, the moment, the memory over the material object. But YOU have to want that for yourself. YOU have to want to change the habit.
So my first uncomfortable change was indeed my vehicle. I knew that I couldn't make any further leaps and bounds without reliable transportation. And if you've followed my posts at all... changing this way of thinking has been slower than molasses! But having lived in a little town in Florida going on 2 years now, if I want to fully enjoy the experience, I knew I would need to drive to destinations, and I slowly became okay with that.
Then I quit my job.
Yeah, I said it. I had a plan. Sort of.
I say it like it was a year ago... it was a month ago. Granted, I had been weighing my options for a long time. Not that I have many but the few I have, they were meticulously gone over with a fine-tooth comb for quite some time. Then I woke up on the morning when I knew it was either DO it or Shut your Pie-Hole day and did a card reading. Now... I don't read tarot cards daily and if that's your jam, that's awesome. I do however get out the pretty box when it's big decision time and take from the reading whatever it decides to lay out there for me and all signs pointed to ... The Time is Now. Sometimes when we are looking for motivation, or a sign... we will find what we are looking for because that's the answer we are looking for. Oh, the ketchup squirted more to the right so I'm making the "right" decision, see what I mean. We will ultimately believe what we want to believe, and, in my moment, I needed to believe I was making the right decision.
So I sat down with my bosses and with shaking hands, handed in my letter of resignation. I was sad but we had a great conversation and I kept the door open for possibilities as long as they need me and I couldn't have asked for a better end to a relationship I respect. I drove home that night in my new vehicle that I have to make monthly payments on and I got home and looked around at the apartment that I love but the rent had just increased almost $300 a month... and thought "What have I done?".
Don't worry, I had been making calls, picking up independent contractor work and had a very important - life changing interview set up. Granted... interviews are not guarantees and doing taxes for independent contractor work is a pain in the butt... but here were my realizations: I'm not 27 anymore. My time working 13 hour shifts in a bar, schlepping beer cases, kegs and slinging bottles is over. I have to listen to my body and although I work hard at being healthy and building my core... my back will give out. I am on borrowed time and it is NOW that I need to Adult up and find a job with all the Adult words. Benefits being one of them.
So I had my interview and I am pleased to say that it went well. There are still many challenges ahead and I haven't gotten the job per say, but I am traveling down a track that is not only new, responsible and exciting, but also terrifying. But I did it.
I wake up every morning and remind myself that I'm going to be okay. I'm a survivor. I am a fighter and I will do whatever I need to do to keep a roof over my head and shoes on my feet. I may be new to Adulting but I am trying my best to travel down all paths with logic and responsibility.
So as I sit here, six months before turning the age that I never contemplated reaching and looking into the mirror with wrinkles I never thought I'd see... and I am thankful. My life has never been "easy" but where there is a will, there is a way. So, if there is something in your life that you've been contemplating changing: I urge you to look into it.
Amazon addicts will get this: It's like when you are lying in bed and you think "I really want a new TV for the bedroom" so you go on Amazon and spend an hour or so checking out al the deals and the sizes and so you finally find the one you really want and put it in your cart. But then sensibility hits you and you know you shouldn't spend the money right now so you hit the "Save for later" button. And so it sits. And you go back from time to time and see it sitting there in the cart you go back and forth in your mind about the purchase, about making that move. You watch the price go up and down and even Prime Day has come and gone when all the major discounts are screaming at you to make a move! But one day comes when your old tv finally takes the plunge or you realize that by not overspending at Walmart the last four months you ended up giving yourself a "fun money" cushion... you move the item from the save for later page, back into the cart and you hit purchase. It's a good feeling.
If it's a new TV you want, a new job, a new apartment, a new car.... You Can Do This.
Here's hoping that maybe you try a new ice cream flavor today and take that any which way you want. But today is YOUR day and just know there is a complete stranger (this Blondesheep) that believes in you. I believe you are worth it. You deserve it and great things are coming to you in 2023.
Your Still in her 30s for a little while longer,
Blondesheep