Personally my moment was coming for quite some time. Ever since I came back to Pennsylvania I have been unsure as to where I fit in and if I fit in at all. The 24 years I spent in this state before moving out West, I never really felt as though I belonged. I suppose that's where the Blondesheep of my personality spawns. I always had an itch to see what was out there. A creative mind that I felt went unappreciated in a small town. Somehow I thought California would be the place to spread my wings.
In a way, it was. I was surrounded by people with individual personalities, styles and goals. You were encouraged to break the rules and the molds set in place by society. Friends were easy to come by and there was always something new to learn. A new culture to dive into and a new experience waiting around the corner. Yet when all of the walls around you diminish you can allow yourself to be engulfed with the surreal.
It's no lie that living in LA was a struggle for me. So many temptations at a time in my life when I needed to work on finding myself. I suppose all of the "doing" was a way of finding myself. I slowly found it harder and harder to find the time to write. I was to busy "doing" instead of dreaming. I was living my dream.
Now after a year and a half back on the East Coast, two Winters under my belt (trust, that's a feat for me), I had found myself in a tornado of self sabotage. You may know someone like me, when all is going well we seem to find a way to throw an obstacle in the path to make it that much mere difficult to find happiness. This is one of my greatest faults which I am not proud of.
So when do you cut the chord. When do you say enough is enough and find a path to change? I had my moment in the past week. When I realized I was not contributing positively to my relationship, myself or to my work. I had this same revelation in 2005. I was at a Model and Talent convention in Florida and it hit me. I was ultimately unhappy. In the following days I quit my job, ended my 3 ear relationship with my fiancé and started from scratch. When you are 22 I guess that seemed easy to do at the time. Now 10 years later, the very thought is cringing. But then again when I landed in 2014, that's just what I had to do. I had little choice to the decisions that landed me back here and I had to find a way to make it work.
The struggle was real as it is right now. My work situation was not becoming. My personality was slowly deteriorating and my efforts not at their potential. Since we have parted ways and now I am back on the work search train. What does that mean? Where do I want to find employment and what will provide me happiness, that is the real question. We can settle for the first offer, if there is one. But one must take serious consideration as to where they are working and the time it will take away from the important parts of their day. I have infiltrated the Universe with my resume and in hopes to find employment this week. I am doing my best to not become discouraged, as I know this feeling will pass. I look forward to meeting new people and pushing myself to new limits.
My next life adjustment came within my relationship to myself and my loved one. I have been blessed to find someone very important in my life. After time you can be so accustomed to treating someone a certain way or neglecting key factors in a relationship that you are in deed traveling down a destructive path. But as the saying goes, let it free and if it returns... I did in fact walk away. I fled when things got tough, just as I have done so many times before in my life. And it was during this time apart from my best friend, my heart and confidant that I realized that I needed to fight. I needed to wake up and work on myself and the flaws that were causing issues.
Since this break, my Ah-Ha moment, I have worked on communication and putting the needs of My Person before my own. There will always be days, weeks and sections of life that seem unbearable but your person is there to support you and you for them. Strength comes from within and within the bond that you have promised to the other person.
In the past weeks I have calmed in realizing that no matter where I go or what I do, if I am without my person, I will never be home. California will always be there and if I open my heart and my eyes I can find similar attributes right here. I can work hard to find travels, but this will always be home. No matter how many winters I need to endure, there will never be a place as comforting as within the arms of someone who truly loves and understands you.
So in closing, evaluate and take charge of your attributes and faults. Strive to make each day better than the last and own up to making the changes necessary to live a happy and healthy life. You owe it to yourself and those around you.
I hope you have a beautiful day and thank you for reading my rant.
Cheers and new beginnings,
Blondesheep