Let's start by saying Happy New Year? I pose that statement with a question mark because on this end, I'm not quite sure what punctuation this year deserves quite yet. Hell, 2021 just had to take our beloved Betty White right before 2022 made an appearance, that's a tough act to follow. So I started my year with Covid. Couldn't believe it. Actually I guess looking back on it, yeah, I could. Now articles are surfacing that the vaccines, aren't holding up their end of the bargain, even after the booster. Does anyone know what the heck is going on?
In all honesty, it was pretty gosh darn good timing when I was bogged down with the vid. My housemate was out of town for a week and my move was postponed. I was supposed to move January 1st. But after I had paid all of the monies... deposit along with first and last months rent, set up electric and internet... management called and let me know the tenants decided to stay.
Wait.
Huh? I signed a lease, you told me I was good to go... I set everything up to rock and roll?! SIGH. I can't get mad at management for trying to be ahead of the game. So, tail between my legs, I cancelled everything and told them I would wait patiently by the phone until something opened up. I looked at other buildings and the rent was crazy stupid high. I had an apartment off of Hollywood Boulevard in Cali for the kind of money they were asking for, and let me tell you, this is no Hollywood.
So when I received the little paper from the doctor who said take some ibuprofen, drinks some juice and go to bed for five days, it actually worked out. I would have been useless during the move anyway. Was I annoyed to miss work? Hell yeah, but having five days to rest my back and my feet, the Universe had a little way of telling me that I was indeed pushing too hard from all angles. I needed the rest, mentally and physically. Small blessings my friends.
So I guess I'm safe until another crazy mutated variant comes out and I'll have to get what, a vaccine that may or may not work? Nobody knows what they are dealing with, or they're just not telling us and quite frankly that's a bit disturbing. Let alone the fact that Florida is completely in a bubble of their own. I have no idea how the rest of the world is doing until I ask or dare read the articles. Here everything is open and masks sit in purse pockets as "just in case" measures.
In other news, I bought a car today. Can't believe it myself. It was probably a bad decision but I'm rolling with it. She's a little 2008 beetle. Outside she looks great, inside she is broken to the point of embarrassment. But you know what? I think I fell in love with all her broken bits because she reminds me of ME. She needs a lot of TLC, but I've got all the love to give.
So almost 12 years without a car and I caved. I'm moving into a two bedroom apartment in March and I started mapping out a solid bucket list. Things to accomplish before 40. Hurumph. That number looks like it has a muffin-top. It scares the crap out of me that I'm putting down roots.
"Every time I've been close to something real
an Imaginary force draws me away
Reminding me that I'm not meant to stand still.
One with the wind.
Running with wild horses
Until the sunset feels like home."
I wrote that on a notepad I keep with me at work. And it's true. I keep fighting to get back to California but I have something good here. It's good right now and sufficient for at least a few years. I am committing to enjoying it. And I'm sober. I don't have to float through my days, I can actually make memories if I choose to. I am forging this path, no one else. I am refusing to let anyone else dictate my life. Where I go in this lifetime is my choice and they are my mistakes to make. My car might break down tomorrow but I know I worked hard to earn the money that paid for it and it was worth it, even if it was just for one day. I'll never forget the way I looked through the windshield on the drive home and hoped that my Pap was happy for me. Let's be real, he's a car guy and he's probably up in Heaven shaking his head with his arms crossed, going "What did you do?" But I think a little piece of him would still be proud to see me behind the wheel. Unafraid. Solid. Being an adult.
But now I'm tired. Not just because, well maybe slightly because I went back to work on day 6 of post covid diagnosis and then worked 4 straight days. (some of my days are 12 hours and if you want to hear how exciting being a small town bartender can be, you'll have to catch me on stand-up... one of my bucket list tasks).
So for now, I'm done adulting. I quit. No more decisions that cost me a ton of money. Now I need to focus on working and saving money to pay for all these adult bills that are coming in a few months. But what I'm looking forward to the most? Coming home to a place I can call home. Filled with ME. My art, my cooking, my music... all of me by me. Selfish? Oh yeah. But you know what, I've worked my ass off and it's time I enjoy it because I could die tomorrow and what would I have to show for it? It's time to start working towards tangible goals. Set up the office, work on my books and my painting and do the darn thing called life instead of just getting by and waiting for the right time to go back to California. Cali will still be there. She's hurting right now and I don't have the tools to help her. I just need to let her heal while I work on myself.
So thank you for reading this rant. I know I didn't say much but it means the world that you shared your time with me. I am forever grateful for you. I hope you do something for yourself this month. It doesn't have to be much. It could be finishing the reading of a book that has been sitting on your nightstand for a year. I'll tell you what, the feeling of closing the back cover when you are finished is enthralling. You read those pages for you, and that story was all yours. Go ahead, reach out and take something for yourself because I guarantee there is something in it that will transfer to another person along the way. A lesson you learned in those pages or the book itself. Maybe taking that time lets you destress, and you are happier at work the next day or you get to share that story with someone over lunch. Who knows.
I've started to see things "happening for a reason" during my time here in Florida and as scary as that is, I'm beginning to trust it.
Cheers to you and whatever you decide to take today,
Blondesheep