So I had to make peace with my shotty editing, the formatting which came out botchy and the spelling errors. Ugh. But they are my mistakes and I own them. All I can do from this point forward is to learn from my mistakes and hope to do better, I have to do better.
The process of sending it into paperback was even more stressful. There are templates to download which I could only open on a certain computer with the associated program. Re-formatting and building a new cover. I sent it once and caught a major error, had to pull it and resend it. I still wasn't 100 percent satisfied with the back cover but I sent the final knowing it was the best I could do with the free program provided. Again, all notes logged into the "How can I do better next time" notebook.
So the package was delivered by Amazon yesterday and I brought it inside and it sat on my coffee table through lunch. I got into a staring contest with it. There is was. Inside. I knew I needed to open it eventually but it could wait, right? Until when, I thought. I finally found the courage and poised myself for disappointment. What if I opened the cover and there were 317 black pages. Or what if the cover bled into the spine. What if my edits hadn't taken in the final? It was nerve wracking. I pulled it out of the envelope and there it was. It was huge, and HEAVY. It was 14 years heavy. The original format was a film screenplay written in 2007. Bella sat dormant until 2021 when she really came alive in book form. I couldn't believe it. I sat in on my bookshelf, she looked good.
I did what every book lover loves to do and I smelled the book and turned the pages, feeling the weight of the paper in my fingertips. I felt the cover and let my fingers glide over my name.... my flipping name. Heavy can't describe the surplus of emotions. So I took a few pictures and posted on social media. There you go world, I thought. It's done. No going back now. It is what it is.
I've learned through this process that I need to work on thickening my skin. I know this book isn't for everyone and it's not going to change the world. But I have had to remind myself that not everyone will be happy for you when you accomplish a goal, and that's okay. I am overwhelmed by the response of people telling me that they ordered a copy. The first thing I think is... What if they don't like it? What if it's crap and they tell their friends. What if... What if... What if. And maybe they will and I have to be okay with that too.
My only goal in this entire process is to share Bella Marshall's story. It makes my heart warm to think that my story could be with someone on their travels and bring a smile to their face while sitting on a park bench or on the beach on vacation. Maybe something I have written relates with a reader and helps them through a trying time. That is all I can hope for, and all that I write for.
So to anyone who has bought the book, I thank you a million times over. I hope the huge 6x9 addition to your bookshelf earns her place and just know I am nervous for you to read it and I hope that you enjoy your time with the words.
It's crazy looking over this blog and reading through my journals over the process. My ups, downs, my trip to New York, my stupid insane deadlines, it's been a crazy ride. Just know that I am trying to be a better writer for you. I can't even bring myself to look at the KDP site to see if anyone actually bought the book lol.
But in all of the madness I am enjoying researching for the next book. There are a lot of my own personal loves coming up including surfing. So lots of youtube videos and research while I've been building an etsy store for my anklets. Oh yeah, I'm doing that in the near future too. Don't forget, at the end of the day all I want is to live in a shack on the beach, write everyday and make anklets for a living. As unrealistic as that is, it doesn't mean I can't try.
Cheers to you,
Blondesheep