Being in a new place can be consuming in many ways... if you let it. This move was planned... planned out and mapped out to a point that with all of the time I had before the actual move I had a blueprint in my mind and a few #2 pencil doodles of where everything was going to go and I was unpacked in less than 24 hours of arriving. Of course there were a few switharoos here and there and a few additions once I was actually in the space rather than letting photos misguide my perception, but on my second day, I was like... okay, what's next.
Now this move South was cheaper than my move would have been West so I had some chill-time money saved. I worked my behind off for that little nest egg so I figured I had some time to find a job. Time. One thing I was jealous of during the pandemic. I didn't take a break during 2020 except for two weeks. Each week seperate of the other. The first week was during the transition where all 3 of my jobs closed for the time being and before I started a completely new job. The second week was the week before my move. I gave myself that time to either travel or just relax and pack.
So here I was, in this new home, everything was sorted and I could put my feet up and enjoy a break...if I wanted to. I lasted 4 days. After 4 days I walked into a bar with my resume and said, I hope you are hiring. Turns out they were and I started within a few days. Since then I work most of the week with shifts sometimes 12 hours long. Another reminder that I'm no spring chicken anymore.
Now in any bar, people want to hear your story and my goodness I was sick of hearing my own voice after the first two weeks. And with those first few weeks the locals are testing you out to see if you will make a good fit in the part of their life you will inevitably become a part of. They also tell you all of the places to visit and things to do. In turn you meet tourists who are then asking for that same information and I started coming up short. Not having a car was a hinderance. I haven't owned a car since 2011 and I get around a-ok without one. But I am missing out on all of the "things" to do around here
So I found myself asking myself the hard questions. Do you want to buy a car? Are you willing to sacrifice to start paying insurance and all of the fees that go with buying a car? Are you trying to make new friends, be a part of the community, see and do all of the things and what are you going to do or go after the lease is up? In those months before the lease expires, what do you want out of this experience? And is this just as experience? A stepping stone until you can make the final trip out west or can you be satisfied with where you are. Could you be okay with the paradise you have?
Because let's be honest. I get to see dolphins and manatees in the wild most mornings. Aligators and birds galore. What a beautiful gift. I found a job within the first week of living here and I have enough time to do all of the little things that make me...Me. That's pretty fantastic, so why does it feel like my heart isn't complete.
A girlfriend of mine asked me "Why California" in a recent call back home. I was sitting on a park bench watching a baby aligator sunbathe and I just shook my head and said "I wish I didn't have such a hard on for California, but Cali is it for me." The more I thought about that conversation the more I realized that this ache I have for the West was something that I've always claimed as Mine. I feel 5 years old saying it like that but I never had to share that dream with anyone growing up. Now did I run into people I knew from PA, yeah, strangely enough! A guy who graduated a year ahead of me ended up in LA and also.... my first boyfriend ever was a chef in downtown LA. Random, right. But even then, I wasn't fighting anyone for my dream. I blame it on all the 80s movies where everyone is always looking fit on the beach with a killer tan dancing to music.
I digress. SoI finally sat myself down and said: Hey... you need to chill the F out. In one year you could finish your second novel, publish in hardcover and then start making some decisions. Calm your anxiety down and focus on breathing. I have the essentials. Roof, Food, Health, Work and Wifi. ;) I can stop looking for all of the things are wrong with the picture and enjoy all of the things that are right for once. I'm aloud to enjoy this.
I am Worth it. I am OK with being OK.
And so are you. Thank you for reading this rant, if you made it the whole way through lol. I appreciate you and hope that you have a moment in your day to be okay with being okay. Let the petty things be petty on their own time, not yours. You don't have to fight to see the brighter side, it's there. It's always there. We have to make the concious choice to see it.
Cheers,
Blondesheep
HERE's a little Dolphin friend who was water dancing the other morning for your enjoyment!