1. Sobriety
July 18th of 2019 I woke up and decided that it was time. I was over it. All of it. I was tired of pushing away the physical and mental pain of my situation and my past and WOKE UP for the first time instead of floating through life as a functioning alcoholic. Those words are scary. Functioning alcoholic. True there was a percentage of my life that was not functioning and that was only part of the problem. With breaking the cycle came a new way of life. I had to figure out a way to get through the day without normalcies I had accrued. Socially my world changed, but those who truly cared, were still friends even though I didn't share the time spent with an alcoholic drink in my hand. I was happy with a red bull (an addiction in itself). Others scoffed and I had to make a concious effort to remove myself from the negativity of their influence. I finally took one for MY TEAM and decided that from that day on I would do my very best to surround myself with positive influences and people at all times when possible. This leaves plenty of room for lonliness, but it's a new kind of lonliness which I will get to on my list.
Sure, there are days where I've thought about how nice it would be to sit out on my roof at sunset and enjoy a glass of wine with my current reading selection, but in the end, would it? One glass would probably turn into the bottle which would lead to a massive hangover which would deter me from my new morning routine and the day would be wasted, joining the endless wasted days in my 37 years of life. Eh, it turns out alcohol doesn't hold that highest of regard in my life anymore, and I'm OK with that.
2. The Pandemic
Well, who would have ever thought we would experience a pandemic in our lifetime? Certainly wasn't in my life skills class in school. I think my first reaction was denial, trickled in with fear, anxiety, fight or flight then adaptation, annoyance and now some strange form of acceptance still mixed in with annoyance. Sure, for someone like me who holds my alone-time in the highest regard, it was a blessing at first. Finally, a VACATION! I had been working three jobs, seven days a week for the longest time.
But then I started to worry about the gathering of food and the realization that for someone who walks everywhere, my exercise would be limited while I emptied my cupboards of whatever they had been hiding for the past three years.
a) Getting Fit. Thankfully I filed my taxes and actually received a return which gave me a cushion along with my savings for the move back to California. So the little Amazon demon in the back of my mind who waits for idle opportunity came knocking and I purchased an exercise bike. She's a rinky dink little machine, but she has become my basis for routine every morning. I spend about 40 minutes with her and my resistance bands getting my vessel back to a place where I feel comfortable.
I have always been a creature in need of an exercise based outlet. If I don't focus on pushing my body, my brain fights back. Now that I am older and my bones remind me daily that I have major limitations (I still have issues with stairs) after my back injuries, I am finding different exercises to strengthen my core. Plus it's time alotted just for me. My morning hour where there is no phone, the lights are off and I workout while the sun comes up and if I have time, I take a morning walk with the chatty birds and rambunctious squirrels.
b) The Move. Damn you Rona, you've really put a pin in my plans. I still haven't cancelled my POD order for October, insert another dose of denial. I had everything planned and now I have to endure another East Coast winter. So I figured, if I couldn't move, I needed to give myself a goal to look forward to, something to get me through. Hawaii in January for the Volcom Pipeline Pro competition. Perfect, I thought. I even collaborated with a friend who has some connections and I thought.... I can get some research done for book 2 while marking a goal off my bucket list and this virus will have petered out by then, right? Negative.
So with EVERYTHING up in the air, I guess the East Coast has me until..... Spring? Hopefully at the latest. Depends on so many things! It's depressing, but not discouraging. I have to keep hope.
c) Etsy. So with the pandemic creating more time for idle hands and minds, I decided to cross off one of my bucket list action items and started an Etsy shop. It's just a little shop where I have anklets/bracelets for sale, but I did it. I have sold one to date, lol, but the point is... I did it. I created an inventory, did some marketing and I sell items that I take time to relax and create. I'll probably take it down in the Fall, but I am really glad that I did it.
d) Writing. So, in my journey to finish my first book, I rushed and didn't take enough time away from the manuscript before editing and ended up missing way too many things. So one thing I can be thankful for with Rona, I went through the book a few more times and republished a new version. Now I have sent the new version to those I know who bought the original.... had to be done and I can tell you one thing... I learned one Hell of a lesson.
I am currently working on a few WIPs right now... a few? I know.... I go where the characters call me. My goal is to have the first draft together by December. (I'd like to say sooner, but I learned another lesson there with setting deadlines too soon as well) I'm going to take my time and I am getting a feel for editors. This round I need to bring in an outside set of eyes who won't bleed me dry when it comes to an invoice. I'm not writing to get rich people. I write because I have to.
3. is for 37. So I have always felt very lucky for the time I have spent on Earth. Granted there have been enough close calls to say that lucky might not be the word for the fact that I am still here, but nonetheless, I am here.
I scribbled "I can't say that I was "born" to DO anything... But I do it all anyway." I can't say that writing is what I was meant to do, but like I said, I write because I have to. Ever since I was a child I was consumed with books. I was brought up in a form of a sheltered childhood and reading was the only thing that made me feel normal.
I've been blessed in this crazy life to have quite the range of skills on my resume. I've worked a lot of jobs, met a lot of people and I've been pretty good at a lot of things... a Jane of many trades, but a master of none. I'll take it.
I have experiencded so much in my life that I'm tired of talking about it. My experiences seep through my characters and that's good enough for me. The rest of the time I have one Earth I'd like to enjoy doing the following things:
- Writing
- Traveling
- Playing with furry animals
I think these are all doable goals. If moving is going to be out of the question, then I will save to travel twice a year. As far as finding a partner to enjoy these things with, I think I'm spent. I take my personal time very seriously and with my past experiences, these walls are too thick to waste a chisle. I am thankful for those who I have the opportunity to spend time with, but I came into this beautiful world alone and I have accepted that my hands will be naked on my exit.
37 years. Who would have ever thought I'd make it this far? So cheers to another year friends, cheers to getting older and hopefully wiser. I hope that I can outdo myself in the next 365 or at least put in the solid effort to try.
Blondesheep '20